What is the greatest fear that keeps me from trusting God completely with my life? That is the question asked in One Month To Live (Shook). That's easy to answer for me, but not so easy to admit to others. But, since I have only thirty days left to live, I will try.

First, what if I am wrong? What if this God and Jesus I profess to believe in and rely on and find my strenghth in is not real? I know He is, I just don't always know He is. So, while I live as if He exists, I also tend to live as if He doesn't. I can do all the Christian things like trying to love my neighbor as myself, meet with other Christians, pray, read the Bible, worship, but to trust and let go of control, worry, planning, and striving is more difficult.

The secret voice in my brain says to be careful, you're a fool for believing that some invisible being is going to take care of you. Look at the evidence. You're a mess and make so many mistakes, partly because of your formative years. Where was He then? Where was He when your brother died? Where was He when your mom developed schizophrenia?

And before I get people answering,"He was there", just know that the part of me that knows He exists, knows that. I can make a thoughtful argument for the role of sin and suffering in our lives. But I am being as real as I can be right now, and sometimes those thoughtful arguments don't really reach my heart. My heart is crying out, "yeah, but why me? What is it about me that God could allow me to be so flawed". And before I get people answering, "you need to not be so self absorbed, as you reach out to others, you will find healing" (which has happened when I've tried to be honest in the past), the part of me that knows He exists knows that. The other part says "but didn't He come for me, too?"

I guess I struggle with how God would create such an incredible creature as the human being and then allow that creature to spend its formative years, when brain and personality and fears and learning to love and trust are really foundationally formed, in a place that does not allow for love and trust to be developed. I work with people all the time who have had horrific beginnings (and mine was not horrific). I've come to believe that most of us struggle with God in the area of trust because of those primary days on earth.

I understand struggle and going through the fire and trials. I just don't necessarily understand why God would ask us to love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind, yet allow those three things to be so damaged that to do so seems impossible at times. I am not saying I am personally a horribly damaged person (though I feel it at times), but I know that I daily struggle with knowing how to love. I want to love, but don't know if I can do it. I learned early on that I needed to advocate for me, as no one else would. While my knowledge says that is not true, I have Jesus as my advocate,my heart knows I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to allow anyone on earth, let alone the God of the universe, to have control of me. I don't know how to really worship, the idea of putting someone above me is actually very frightening. What if I lose myself?

There, I've said it. What if I become insignificant as I allow Him to become more significant? What if I become the door mat for Him to walk on? While I would like to be less so He can be more, I still want to matter and have purpose.

As I write this, I am faced with the knowledge that I really do have some issues that I need to work out. I want to trust God completely. I want to know that my good is important to Him. I want to know that He won't hurt me and that He loves me completely. I want to really love Him and worship. I want to be used by Him and be able to love others well. I want, I want, I need, I need. I know, I am pretty me oriented. If God is true, and I believe He is (help my un-belief), He will continue to help me with that character flaw also.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness

Living with the end in sight is difficult. It requires actually NOT living for the future, but being wholly present and intentional today. I have had moments since undertaking this one month to live process where I see that I can be and do so much more and that I truly am free. Then I react or make a decision or open my mouth and out comes the old stuck in stinkin' thinkin' Ellen. So first, let me tell you that this thought change and life change is not a one time, cured forever event. It is a practiced, thoughtful, daily, moment by moment decision. The hope and encouragement for me is that I get to press restart as often as I need to. And some days I am pressing that button like a stuck Energizer Bunny. As I practice and commit, I believe that button will gradually become rusty due to disuse. At least, that's my goal.

The goal of this book One Month to Live (Kerry and Chris Shook)is no regret living. They ask us to write what our biggest regrets would be if we were to die in a few weeks. So, some of these I will keep to myself to pretend I have something in my inner world that doesn't come out of my mouth or writings. But some I will list here.

My biggest regret is that I have lived life as if I am damaged, incapable, and broken. I have believed this and yet spent so much time trying to pretend I wasn't that I am exhausted. I recently have decided that I am incapable of being fixed and that God could use me, but just as a bit player in a play. Not as any kind of leading role in the story of Ellen. It has been painful but somewhat relieving to acknowledge the truth as I saw it, that I was not one of God's favorites, so why try?

Now, since I only have a month to live, I regret that I lived life that way. I want to fight this belief with everything I have because it keeps me down and less than I could be. It gives me an excuse for not living but merely going through the motions. This "knowledge" is so ingrained it will take a wrecking ball to demolish. I am willing, though scared, to let that ball knock that wall down.

My second regret is not loving my husband well because of my belief that he should be different. I have really tried loving him without negative comments, judgements, and mean spirited "jokes" lately. I can truly say that it hasn't been hard, and he has been exactly who I need him to be, not a story book character. I regret that I allowed expectations and comparisons to cloud my love for so long. Even as I write, that Energizer Bunny is pushing the restart. I do not need to regret today with him. I get to practice loving him better and fiercely. how cool is that?

Today those are my two main regrets. I'm sure more will come up, so my finger is poised on that button.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness

I was so excited and inspired Monday to live life differently; to live life with death always in sight. I would be less sensitive, less apologetic, more compassionate, more loving.

Then I got to work. I went into a, of all things, prayer meeting and immediately got my feelings hurt. I told myself to let it go, to remember that if I was going to die soon I wouldn't be spending time or energy on worrying about being excluded. I said, "self, you need to overlook this and just love these people anyway. You have your own life, your own friends and family, you don't need to be loved completely by everyone, you can be ok with being on the periphery", etc., etc., etc.

But, it still hurt, a lot! I tried and tried to let go, but it kept coming back to my thoughts and into my heart. Then I became quite convinced that I had completely failed in the thirty days to live "program" and this made me even more morose and self-pitying.

So, this is my advice based on the above experience for whomever really wants to live with the end in sight. Remember that a lifetime of habits won't change overnight. Remember that this is not a program, but a life changing way of living. Remember that you are human, thus fallen, thus sinful, thus prone to error. Give yourself a break as you are trying to become more than you've been. Lastly, remember that the ultimate goal is God, not self being better.

Today, I begin again the process of trying to end well.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness

One month to live. Not a lot of time to do all I want to do, so I need to really hone in on the most important.

No, I am not really dying. Well, yes I am really dying. We all are. But I don't know when or if it will be this month. I am going through the book of the same title (One Month to Live)and hoping this will help me to evaluate how and what I spend my time on, and how and what I want to spend my time on.

Thus far, what I realize is that the most important area of change for me needs to be in relationships. I do not want to leave my husband having him think I regret marrying him (and since I've said this before, I have a lot to make up for). I do not want to leave with my husband and my son's relationship what it is today. I want to empower them to develop their own, without me meddling and taking over and making them believe they can do nothing without me. I want to spend every minute I can telling my son that he can do all things through Christ. I want him to know and accept that life is hard, weenies will not survive (not that he is one, just that he should never be one). I want him to know that his gifts are precious, and encourage him to use them. I want to prepare him for life without me.

I want my sisters to know that they have been my source of comfort, encouragement, and good stories. I want them to know that the hardest I have ever laughed has always been with them. I want them to know that they, too, can do all things through Christ. I want to ensure that I will be hanging out with them in Heaven.

I want my friends and those I work with to know that they have been special to me. They deserved a more faithful friend and co-worker, and that I am sorry. I want them to know that though I have failed them, Christ will never fail them. I want to tell them there is a hope and that hope changed my life and can change theirs.

I want to edit, add to, and publish my book. I want to leave it behind after I go because I want to share and minister to those who struggle. I want to help lead the readers to seeking God. And, quite frankly, I want proof that I existed.

I want to really encourage those who are fighting the good fight. I want to drink coffee with, talk on the phone with, email, or whatever is necessary with those who need encouragement, tools, and tips for fighting the battle. I want to use my gifts of encouragement, exhortation, and mercy to equip others to live their last days on earth fearlessly, excitedly, and with joy.

And I want to leave this earth with no more regrets.

That's it, but that's enough. I have to stop now, I've got much work to do and little time to do it in.

His work in progress,

Ellen