What is the greatest fear that keeps me from trusting God completely with my life? That is the question asked in One Month To Live (Shook). That's easy to answer for me, but not so easy to admit to others. But, since I have only thirty days left to live, I will try.

First, what if I am wrong? What if this God and Jesus I profess to believe in and rely on and find my strenghth in is not real? I know He is, I just don't always know He is. So, while I live as if He exists, I also tend to live as if He doesn't. I can do all the Christian things like trying to love my neighbor as myself, meet with other Christians, pray, read the Bible, worship, but to trust and let go of control, worry, planning, and striving is more difficult.

The secret voice in my brain says to be careful, you're a fool for believing that some invisible being is going to take care of you. Look at the evidence. You're a mess and make so many mistakes, partly because of your formative years. Where was He then? Where was He when your brother died? Where was He when your mom developed schizophrenia?

And before I get people answering,"He was there", just know that the part of me that knows He exists, knows that. I can make a thoughtful argument for the role of sin and suffering in our lives. But I am being as real as I can be right now, and sometimes those thoughtful arguments don't really reach my heart. My heart is crying out, "yeah, but why me? What is it about me that God could allow me to be so flawed". And before I get people answering, "you need to not be so self absorbed, as you reach out to others, you will find healing" (which has happened when I've tried to be honest in the past), the part of me that knows He exists knows that. The other part says "but didn't He come for me, too?"

I guess I struggle with how God would create such an incredible creature as the human being and then allow that creature to spend its formative years, when brain and personality and fears and learning to love and trust are really foundationally formed, in a place that does not allow for love and trust to be developed. I work with people all the time who have had horrific beginnings (and mine was not horrific). I've come to believe that most of us struggle with God in the area of trust because of those primary days on earth.

I understand struggle and going through the fire and trials. I just don't necessarily understand why God would ask us to love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind, yet allow those three things to be so damaged that to do so seems impossible at times. I am not saying I am personally a horribly damaged person (though I feel it at times), but I know that I daily struggle with knowing how to love. I want to love, but don't know if I can do it. I learned early on that I needed to advocate for me, as no one else would. While my knowledge says that is not true, I have Jesus as my advocate,my heart knows I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to allow anyone on earth, let alone the God of the universe, to have control of me. I don't know how to really worship, the idea of putting someone above me is actually very frightening. What if I lose myself?

There, I've said it. What if I become insignificant as I allow Him to become more significant? What if I become the door mat for Him to walk on? While I would like to be less so He can be more, I still want to matter and have purpose.

As I write this, I am faced with the knowledge that I really do have some issues that I need to work out. I want to trust God completely. I want to know that my good is important to Him. I want to know that He won't hurt me and that He loves me completely. I want to really love Him and worship. I want to be used by Him and be able to love others well. I want, I want, I need, I need. I know, I am pretty me oriented. If God is true, and I believe He is (help my un-belief), He will continue to help me with that character flaw also.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness

Living with the end in sight is difficult. It requires actually NOT living for the future, but being wholly present and intentional today. I have had moments since undertaking this one month to live process where I see that I can be and do so much more and that I truly am free. Then I react or make a decision or open my mouth and out comes the old stuck in stinkin' thinkin' Ellen. So first, let me tell you that this thought change and life change is not a one time, cured forever event. It is a practiced, thoughtful, daily, moment by moment decision. The hope and encouragement for me is that I get to press restart as often as I need to. And some days I am pressing that button like a stuck Energizer Bunny. As I practice and commit, I believe that button will gradually become rusty due to disuse. At least, that's my goal.

The goal of this book One Month to Live (Kerry and Chris Shook)is no regret living. They ask us to write what our biggest regrets would be if we were to die in a few weeks. So, some of these I will keep to myself to pretend I have something in my inner world that doesn't come out of my mouth or writings. But some I will list here.

My biggest regret is that I have lived life as if I am damaged, incapable, and broken. I have believed this and yet spent so much time trying to pretend I wasn't that I am exhausted. I recently have decided that I am incapable of being fixed and that God could use me, but just as a bit player in a play. Not as any kind of leading role in the story of Ellen. It has been painful but somewhat relieving to acknowledge the truth as I saw it, that I was not one of God's favorites, so why try?

Now, since I only have a month to live, I regret that I lived life that way. I want to fight this belief with everything I have because it keeps me down and less than I could be. It gives me an excuse for not living but merely going through the motions. This "knowledge" is so ingrained it will take a wrecking ball to demolish. I am willing, though scared, to let that ball knock that wall down.

My second regret is not loving my husband well because of my belief that he should be different. I have really tried loving him without negative comments, judgements, and mean spirited "jokes" lately. I can truly say that it hasn't been hard, and he has been exactly who I need him to be, not a story book character. I regret that I allowed expectations and comparisons to cloud my love for so long. Even as I write, that Energizer Bunny is pushing the restart. I do not need to regret today with him. I get to practice loving him better and fiercely. how cool is that?

Today those are my two main regrets. I'm sure more will come up, so my finger is poised on that button.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness