I was so excited and inspired Monday to live life differently; to live life with death always in sight. I would be less sensitive, less apologetic, more compassionate, more loving.

Then I got to work. I went into a, of all things, prayer meeting and immediately got my feelings hurt. I told myself to let it go, to remember that if I was going to die soon I wouldn't be spending time or energy on worrying about being excluded. I said, "self, you need to overlook this and just love these people anyway. You have your own life, your own friends and family, you don't need to be loved completely by everyone, you can be ok with being on the periphery", etc., etc., etc.

But, it still hurt, a lot! I tried and tried to let go, but it kept coming back to my thoughts and into my heart. Then I became quite convinced that I had completely failed in the thirty days to live "program" and this made me even more morose and self-pitying.

So, this is my advice based on the above experience for whomever really wants to live with the end in sight. Remember that a lifetime of habits won't change overnight. Remember that this is not a program, but a life changing way of living. Remember that you are human, thus fallen, thus sinful, thus prone to error. Give yourself a break as you are trying to become more than you've been. Lastly, remember that the ultimate goal is God, not self being better.

Today, I begin again the process of trying to end well.

His work in progress,

Ellen Topness