Living with the end in sight is difficult. It requires actually NOT living for the future, but being wholly present and intentional today. I have had moments since undertaking this one month to live process where I see that I can be and do so much more and that I truly am free. Then I react or make a decision or open my mouth and out comes the old stuck in stinkin' thinkin' Ellen. So first, let me tell you that this thought change and life change is not a one time, cured forever event. It is a practiced, thoughtful, daily, moment by moment decision. The hope and encouragement for me is that I get to press restart as often as I need to. And some days I am pressing that button like a stuck Energizer Bunny. As I practice and commit, I believe that button will gradually become rusty due to disuse. At least, that's my goal.
The goal of this book One Month to Live (Kerry and Chris Shook)is no regret living. They ask us to write what our biggest regrets would be if we were to die in a few weeks. So, some of these I will keep to myself to pretend I have something in my inner world that doesn't come out of my mouth or writings. But some I will list here.
My biggest regret is that I have lived life as if I am damaged, incapable, and broken. I have believed this and yet spent so much time trying to pretend I wasn't that I am exhausted. I recently have decided that I am incapable of being fixed and that God could use me, but just as a bit player in a play. Not as any kind of leading role in the story of Ellen. It has been painful but somewhat relieving to acknowledge the truth as I saw it, that I was not one of God's favorites, so why try?
Now, since I only have a month to live, I regret that I lived life that way. I want to fight this belief with everything I have because it keeps me down and less than I could be. It gives me an excuse for not living but merely going through the motions. This "knowledge" is so ingrained it will take a wrecking ball to demolish. I am willing, though scared, to let that ball knock that wall down.
My second regret is not loving my husband well because of my belief that he should be different. I have really tried loving him without negative comments, judgements, and mean spirited "jokes" lately. I can truly say that it hasn't been hard, and he has been exactly who I need him to be, not a story book character. I regret that I allowed expectations and comparisons to cloud my love for so long. Even as I write, that Energizer Bunny is pushing the restart. I do not need to regret today with him. I get to practice loving him better and fiercely. how cool is that?
Today those are my two main regrets. I'm sure more will come up, so my finger is poised on that button.
His work in progress,
Ellen Topness
